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YOU'LL FIND BELOW A SELECTION OF JOKES DONATED

BY PETER SHEARS AND FRIENDS!

Welcome to Comic Corner, a fun page full of jokes and amusing short stories.

 

JOKES AND AMUSING ANECDOTES
There once was a pirate named Bates,
Who attempted to rhumba on skates.
He fell on his cutlass,
Which rendered him nutless,
And practically useless on dates.

---

I know it's long - but it's worth the effort (I think!):

Pack It In!

Before we start on the carousin'
On the eve of year two thousan',
Let's clean out our linguistic closets
Of their detritus and deposits,
The babble, balderdash, and bugs
That rankle underneath the rugs
With solecisms, slang, and slag,
And sweep it all into a bag.
Then, as the afternoon gets late,
Let's gather on the Golden Gate,
And with one stroke, bold and defiant,
Make English Y2K compliant.

Let's clear out our congested cargo
Of business cant and corporate argot.
We'll ditch proactive for a starter,
And "We don't work harder, just work smarter"
Lose sight of visions, goals and missions,
And pitch out value propositions.
Synergistic or synergetic? --
Either one gives me a headache,
And the concept of convergence
Is in need of some submergence.
Consign restructure to the void,
And downsize should be redeployed.
At least, the next time we get canned,
We'll know exactly where we stand.

Let's lose "win-win," that favorite phrase
Of all the Harvard MBA's,
And cast on the outgoing tide
The box they like to think outside,
In hopes that in the coming age,
We'll all be on a different page.

It wasn't very long ago
The Internet was comme il faut,
And only the most avant-garde
Had -signs on their business card.
But now that even aunt Estelle
Has got herself a url,
And Vinnie at the barber shop
Made millions on his first-day pop,
We've reached the point where talking geekish
Is starting to sound so last weekish.
Emoticon and digerati
Aren't worth a wooden zloty.
To portal we can give the gate,
Mindshare will do for tuna bait,
And since you asked, IMHO,
Those email acronyms should go.

And ere the sun sets, let us jettison
Newbie, netiquette, and netizen,
Nor should we miss this opportunity
To deep-six "virtual community,"
e-this, i-that, and without qualm,
Let's unplug everything.com.

On literary critics' patois
I think we must declare a fatwah;
It's hard to part with hegemonic,
But in the end you'll find it tonic.
Think how much groovier texts are rendered
When they're just sexed instead of gendered,
And curling up at bedtime, who wants
To be holding something nuanced?

Of that chic expression "pomo,"
I'd just as soon that we heard no mo',
Nor any others of the host
Of vocables prefixed with post-.
We seem to be, for all our fears,
Still modern after all these years.

I'm sure that ages hence will honor us
If we stop cooking up new genres,
Let's spare the coming centuries
Prequels and rockumentaries,
And pause not even for a comma
Before discarding "docudrama."
And ere the clock chimes, let us vow
That critics twenty years from now
Will earn themselves an instant wedgie
Whenever they use "taut" or "edgy."

Before we can put on our nightcaps,
We've other words to feed the whitecaps:
Let's leave off calling rumors "buzz,"
And blow off anyone who does.
"Wake up call" has gotten thin --
Next year we'll all be sleeping in.
And anything you feel like sharing
Kindly offer to the herring.

And as we're chucking out the dross,
Make sure we don't neglect to toss
Those interjections, coy and clever --
Like "Let's not go there," and "whatever!"
(And while we're at it, do I gotta
Even mention "yadda yadda"?)
Arrivederci to "ExCUSE me";
You simply no longer amuse me.
Farewell to "Duh!," and, apropos,
Let's say buh-bye now to "hellO?"

Now as we watch the century go out,
There's only one more thing to throw out:
Let's cast onto the coastal shelf
The word millennium itself
(I'm glad to bid that one adieu --
The fact is that I never knew
If it should have one n or two.)

And as night falls on the Presidio,
Let's all go home and watch a video,
To pass the century's final hour
(That is, assuming we've got power).

--

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on
emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the
professor to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from
Oklahoma.
"Elation," said she.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "how about the
opposite of woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up."

--

Bevo issues the word from Texas:


> Subject: God's plan.
>
> Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.
>
> Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
> He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
>
> God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards
> through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."
>
> Archangel Michael Looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
>
> "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call
> it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
>
> "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
>
> God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example,
> Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while
> Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a
> hot spot and the Antarctica in the south will be very cold. Over there
> I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of
> black people. God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one
> will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and
> covered in ice.
>
> The Archangel impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large area and
> asked, "What's that one?"
>
> "Ah," said God. That's the SOUTH, the most glorious place on Earth. There
> are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite
> coastline. The people from there are going to be modest, intelligent and
> humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be
> extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be
> known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. A truly
>great people!
>
> Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about
> balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!"
>
> God replied wisely. "Wait until you see the arrogant, loudmouth bastards
> I'm putting in the NORTH."
>

--

I love dealing in this stuff - here's one that I got from a sources in the
States, but which a local comedian here in Cornwall has been dining out on
for years:

This fellow was walking down the street, when he met his
buddy. His buddy had two black eyes, so he asked him, "How did
you get those two black eyes?"

His buddy replied, "Well, we were in church Sunday, and when
we stood up to sing a hymn, the lady in front of me had her
dress stuck up the crack of her ass. So, being the gentleman
I am, I reached down, and pulled the dress free. She turned
around, and hit me between the eyes."

His friend said, "You mean to tell me that woman hit you so
hard it blackened both eyes?"

"No," said his friend, "but when we stood back up to sing
another hymn, I tucked it back up in there for her."

--
God help me to take things more seriously, especially
laughter, parties, and dancing.

God give me patience, and I mean right NOW!

Lord help me not be a perfectionist. (Did I spell that
correctly?)

God, help me to finish everything I sta

God, help me to keep my mind on one th --Look, a bird-- ing
at a time.

--

During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered
the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the
table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended
nothing was happening and kept the conversation going.

The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing
extraordinary was happening. After going all the way around
the room, the children left.

As they disappeared out of sight, there was a moment of
silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say,
"You see, it IS vanishing cream!"

--

long - but good stuff from Sid:

"ADVICE FOR TOURISTS"
This wind-up article appeared recently in an American
magazine. By all accounts it was taken seriously by a
lot of people...

MONEY
The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money
is referred to as "goolies" in slang, so you should
for instance say "I'd love to come to the pub but I
haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word
for what was once called a "shilling" - the equivalent
of seventeen cents American.

MAKING FRIENDS
If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is
a "great tosser"- he will be touched. The English are
a notoriously tactile, demonstrative people, and if
you want to fit in you should hold hands with your
acquaintances and tossers when you walk down the
street.

CUSTOMS
Since their Labour government whole heartedly embraced
full union with Europe the Brits have been attempting
to adopt certain continental customs, such as the
large midday meal followed by a two or three hour
siesta, which they call a "wank." As this is still a
fairly new practice in Britain, it is not uncommon for
people to oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work
there due to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you
are late for supper, simply apologise and explain that
you were having a wank - everyone will understand and
forgive you.

RELAXING
One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon
in Oxford or Cambridge is gliding gently down the
river in one of their flat-bottomed boats, which you
propel using a long pole. This is known as
"cottaging." Many of the boats (called "yer-i-nals")
are privately owned by the colleges, but there are
some places that rent them to the public by the
hour. Just tell a professor or policeman that you are
interested in doing some cottaging and would like to
know where the public yerinals are. The poles must be
treated with vegetable oil to protect them from the
water, so it's a good idea to buy a can of Mazola and
have it on you when you ask directions to the
yerinals. That way people will know you are an
experienced cottager.


When the bill for your meal comes it will show a
suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair,
unless you plan to dine there again, in which case you
should simply walk out; the restaurant host will
understand that he should run a tab for you.

TRANSPORTATION
Public taxis are subsidized by the Her Majesty's
Government. A taxi ride in London costs two pounds, no
matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver tries to
overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you
charlatan!", then grab the nearest policeman (bobby)
and have the driver disciplined.

It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since
bus drivers are required to make detours at patrons'
requests. Just board any bus, pay your fare of
thruppence (the heavy gold-colored coins are "pence"),
and state your destination clearly to the driver,
e.g.: "Please take me to the British Library." A
driver will frequently try to have a bit of harmless
fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested
destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the
American tourist (little does he know you're not so
ignorant!).

For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the
London Tube may be the most economical way to get
about, especially if you are a woman. Chivalry is
alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for
free on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the
baskets at the base of the escalators or on the
platforms; you will find one near any of the
state-sponsored Tube musicians.

Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching
trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe bats that
roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into
London in the early 19th century by French saboteurs
and have proved impossible to exterminate. The
announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you
should grab your hair and look towards the ceiling.
Very few people have ever been killed by Gappes,
though, and they are considered only a minor drawback
to an otherwise excellent means of transportation.

AIRPORTS
One final note: for preferential treatment when you
arrive at Heathrow airport, announce that you are a
member of Shin Fane (an international Jewish peace
organization-the "shin" stands for "shalom"). As
savvy travellers know, this little white lie will
assure you priority treatment as you make your way
through customs. Safe travels and Bon Voyage!

--

Charlie offers:

Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in
all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps
cranking out.
AVERAGE:
Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED:
Has committed no major blunders to date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY:
Drinks heavily.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE:
Opinionated.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH:
Still one step ahead of the law.
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL:
Will stick with us until retirement.
QUICK THINKING:
Offers plausible excuses for errors.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK:
Conceited.
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS:
Buys drinks for superiors.
INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION:
Knows more than superiors.
STERN DISCIPLINARIAN:
A real jerk.
TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS:
Knows when to keep mouth shut.
APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC:
Finds someone else to do the job.
A KEEN ANALYST:
Thoroughly confused.
NOT A DESK PERSON:
Did not go to college.
EXPRESSES SELF WELL:
Can string two sentences together.
SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB:
Miserable home life.
CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL:
Scared.
METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL:
A nitpicker.
DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP:
Has a loud voice.
JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND:
Lucky.
MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE:
A snob.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR:
Knows lots of dirty jokes.
STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES:
Stubborn.
GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE:
A coward.
SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE:
Stupid.
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION:
Turns in work on time.
IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL:
Wanted by no-one else.
ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS:
An office gossip.
REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT:
Lazy and hard-headed.
HARD WORKER:
Usually does it the hard way.
ENJOYS JOB:
Needs more to do.
HAPPY:
Paid too much.
WELL ORGANIZED:
Does too much busywork.
COMPETENT:
Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN:
Pain in the ass.
WILL GO FAR:
Relative of management.
SHOULD GO FAR:
Please.
USES TIME EFFECTIVELY:
Clock watcher.
VERY CREATIVE:
Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
USES RESOURSES WELL:
Delagates everything.
DESERVES PROMOTION:
Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
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