YOU'LL FIND BELOW A SELECTION OF JOKES DONATED

 

JOKES AND AMUSING ANECDOTES

At a garden party given by a wealthy woman, two gardeners were working on the back lawn. One of the guests watched as the gardeners worked. While one gardener was busy weeding a flower bed, the other gardener suddenly began to do an extremely energetic dance, bending over in strange contortions and doing cartwheels and then straightening again as he moved around the other gardener. Enchanted by the ritual movements, the guest told the host, "That man is very talented! I'd pay him four hundred dollars to demonstrate his dance before my aerobics class! "The host called the gardener over when he finished his dance and told him about the offer. He yelled back to his fellow gardener, "Hey Bob! Do you think for two hundred bucks I could hit you in the groin with that rake again?"

A trucker and lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Lo Angeles to New York. The lawyer asks if he would like to play a fun game, but the trucker just wants to take a nap. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa." Again, he declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Ok, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know an answer, I will pay you $500.00."This catches the trucker's attention and he agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The trucker doesn't say a word, reaches into his pocket, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Ok," says the lawyer, "Your turn. "So, the trucker asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop and searches all references. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Net and still can't find the answer. Frustrated, he sends emails to all his friends and co-workers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the trucker, and hands him $500.00. The trucker says, "Thank you," and turns back to get more sleep." Well," exclaims the miffed lawyer, "What's the answer????"Without a word, the trucker reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer$5.00, and goes back to sleep.

-Graffiti on men's room wall:

Beauty is only a light switch away.--Late one night in Washington, DC, a mugger jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me all your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a US Congressman!" "In that case," replied the thief, "give me MY money!"--Excellent stuff from Amon:<< Public Statement by the Rev. Jesse Jackson* ** Due to the great consternation caused by the revelation of my act of procreation, I accept my obligation to give an explanation to the population for my act of copulation. I gave in to temptation, for the anticipation of sexual gratification, that I could not obtain through masturbation resulted in my fornication. I accepted her invitation, and provided her with excitation, stimulation, penetration, replication, and liberation. She provided lubrication (to avoid inflammation) and I wore condoms to avoid contamination. She cried for duplication but I insisted upon termination inspite of her fascination with variation. This has caused me great a gravation, and the agitation and provocation of the media has resulted in my humiliation, denigration, and degradation. My wife is considering castration, which would require my hospitalization. Pray that this matter will find culmination in my sanctification and rehabilitation so that my plans for nomination to my ultimate vocation*will not result in revocation and termination. I hope this proclamation has provided illumination and verification and will prohibit further provocation.* * * Sincerely, The Rev. Jesse Jackson--from Bill E.:  

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a new   car advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.         The driver, a young man in a fancy suit, expensive shoes and sunglasses,   hopped out and asked the shepherd, "If I can tell you exactly how many   sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"         The shepherd looked at him, then at his peacefully grazing flock, and   calmly answered, "O.K."         The fellow whipped out his computer notebook, connected it to a cell   phone, surfed to a NASA page on the Internet, and called up a Global   Positioning System satellite.         Next he scanned the area, opened a database and some 60 Excel   spreadsheets with complex formulas.         Finally, he printed out a 150 page report on his high-tech miniature   printer, turned to the shepherd and said: "You have exactly 1586   sheep!"         "That is correct," the shepherd said. "You can take one of the sheep."         He watched the young man make a selection and bundle it in his car. Then   he said, "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me   my sheep back?"         "O.K., why not?" answered the young man.         "You are a consultant," said the shepherd.         "Oh, wow. You're right," said the young fellow. "How did you guess?"         "It was easy," said the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody   called you. You wanted to be paid for an answer I already knew. And you don't know anything about my business, because you took my dog."--

From Steve ? for the techies on the list :If Operating Systems Ran Airlines: UNIX Airways Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece ,arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building. Air DOS Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ...Mac Airline All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look neat and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, that you really don't want to know, and that everything will be done for you without you ever having to know, so just shut up. And the flights all go wherever the pilot damn well pleases, regardless of where you're trying to go. Windows Air The terminal is pretty and colourful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever Windows NT Air Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40 mile radius when it explodes. Linux Air Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOW TO .html. You take the seat to a location of your choice an bolt it into the deck, per the instructions. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat??? ...

"and Have received these from a (female) colleague

Be careful with what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your vehicle... especially in public. From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to a supermarket only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.--

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