- People are giving birth underwater now. They say it's less
traumatic for the baby because it's in water. But it's
certainly more traumatic for the other people in the pool.
Elayne Boosler
--
Two little girls in were sitting in the lunchroom of the
Beverly Hills Elementary School.
"Guess what?" one said, "Mommy's getting married again and
I'll have a new Daddy."
"Really?" said the other girl, "Who is she marrying?"
"Winston James, the famous Director."
The second girl smiled, "Oh, you'll like him. He was my Daddy
last year."
--
WHY GOD DIDN'T GET TENURE
1) He had only one major publication.
2) It was in Hebrew.
3) Had no references.
4) It wasn't published in a preferred journal.
5) Some doubt he wrote it himself.
6) His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
7) The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
8) He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use
human subjects.
9) When one of his experiments went awry he tried to cover it up by
drowning the subjects.
10) When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from
the sample.
11) He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
12) Some say he had his son teach the class.
13) He expelled his first two students for learning.
14) Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed
his tests.
15) His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.
--
Sid ? from his new job ? shares this research finding:
Seven bartenders were asked if they could identify
personality on what drinks were chosen. Though
interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all
counts.
The results:
WOMEN
Drink : Beer
Personality : Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Approach : Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink : Blender drinks with umbrella
Personality : Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in
the ass
Approach : Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin
boy.
Drink : Mixed drinks - no umbrellas
Personality : Mature, has picky taste; knows what she
wants.
Approach : If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink.
Drink : Wine - (bottled not 4 litre cask)
Personality : Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Approach : Try and weave Paris and clothing into the
conversation.
Drink : Barcardi Breezer/Hooch
Personality : Easy; thinks she is trendy and
sophisticated, actually has absolutely no clue.
Approach : Make her feel smarter than she is...and
you're in.
Drink : Shorts (Vodka, Gin etc.)
Personality : Hanging with boy pals or looking to get
drunk...and naked
Approach : Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but
wait.
MEN - as always, very simple and clear cut.
Cider : He's probably under-aged and wants to get
laid.
Cheap Domestic Beer : He's poor / student and wants to
get laid.
Premium Local Beer : He likes good beer and wants to
get laid.
Imported Beer : He likes expensive beer and wants to
get laid
Guinness : The man is a rapist and will get laid one
way or another.
Wine : He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a
sophisticated image and help him get laid.
Vodka : Extremely horny hound, would shag a warm
scarf. Desperate to get laid.
Whisky : He doesn't give two $hits about anything and
will hit anyone who will
get in his way of getting laid.
Jack Daniels : Not as masculine as the whisky drinker,
knows all about feminine activities (knitting, crochet
etc.) to weasel himself into getting laid.
Tequila : Piss off you wa*kers, I'm gonna go shag
something with a pulse.
Barcardi Breezer/Hooch : He's gay (Blatantly)
--
from Steve:
What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the
other?
A speech impediment.
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A Pimp.
Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only
on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
What's the difference between a Southern zoo, and a Northern zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage,
along with a recipe.
What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern
fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale
begins "'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."
and
A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long
before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and
says, "About two hours." The guy walks out.
A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and
asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks
around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours."
Once again, the guy leaves the shop.
A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around
the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." Again, the guy
walks out.
The barber is getting curious. He looks over at a friend in the
shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop laughing. The
barber asks, "Bill, where did the guy go when he left here?"
"To your house."
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